I had been waiting for this day since the moment I found we were having a baby...the day we would find out the sex of the baby. It felt like we would never make it to this day but God is all His kindness allowed me to get to this day and it was more wonderful than I imagined it to be.
From the nervousness, to the prayers, from the excitement, to the tears of joy, from the surprise announcements to our families, to the posting on facebook...I will never forget what a beautiful day this was.
In total, the whole actual ultrasound procedure took about 45 minutes and we found out the baby we had lovingly named Sticky, was in fact a baby boy about 10 minutes into the procedure. Jeremy's (Big) reaction was one I never want to forget. He jumped up out of his chair, pumped his fist in the air and let out a loud, "Yes!" It was completely embarrassing and amazingly awesome all in one. I couldn't be happier! My prayer was always that God give us the child He wanted us to have, the child we needed and I finally knew what His answer was. I love God so much for sending us this little baby boy and without further ado...
here are the pictures of this little blessing... Jeremy Michael Gonzales II (for crazy overprotective mommy reasons, I did not post baby's boy parts, but trust me this child certainly made it known he was a boy....don't worry Grandmas we will show you)
First Image we saw of Baby Jeremy during our appointment. I will admit it....I was a little shocked at first...the baby looked like a little alien....but then I remembered this was an ultrasound and thanked God the baby was alive and from then on all I could see the precious gift God has growing inside of me
Baby Jeremy's heartbeat. This is by far one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever gotten to hear. To hear that little heartbeat and know that your baby is growing and alive. It is amazing. Baby Jeremy's heartbeat was 160 bpm that day and at this point we still had no idea that baby was a boy baby. When they announced the bpm, I was convinced that for sure my little sticky cupcake was a girl.
The little munchkin's profile. I have many friends that are pregnant right now and had seen this profile picture several times and at last, I finally had my own of my precious little one :)
Little Jeremy already trying to be a stud showing us his little muscles!
Here is Jeremy's right leg profile. Look at those feet! He is definitely is daddy's son!
And the left leg...
The cutest little left foot I have seen thus far
Or maybe it is the right foot that is my favorite! I don't know...maybe we should call it a tie!
Just one of the few gifts I have received for our little baby that I can't wait to use! Thanks Jamie! (That's Baloo, by the way. Such a curious pup!)
How come it takes so long to grow a baby? I want to meet my little one already! Aghhhh!!! I don't think I have ever been so impatient for something to happen.
And let me tell you I have driven myself crazy waiting and counting down for so many things....such as
-waiting for a sermon to end when I was a little kid ( sadly I didn't yet value the importance then)
-finally being done with the nightmare that was high school
-finally being with the nightmare that was college
-waiting to meet my soulmate (Jeremy was my first and only boyfriend and I was 21!)
-counting down for each weekend during my crazy-hectic credential program
-waiting 15 months for my husband to return from Iraq
-waiting for my husband to return from Afghanistan
-waiting to get pregnant
Goodness gracious, I am such an impatient person! I don't like waiting for anything and truth be told I guess most all of us are like that. And I guess in my own struggle, I am impatient for things because I lack in faith to believe that they are ever going to happen. But as I am looking down my list, I am seeing that all these things came to just at the right moment. And through each process, I grew to believe, to be strong, and learn many things. I guess really God was helping me grow up and be ready for what was to come. I thank God for His timing and for His love during all these things.
I know God is working on me during this pregnancy as well. Specifically in trusting in Him and leaving things in His hands. And I guess, nine months is the time He needs to help grow in this area and others so that I will be ready for when baby is born.
Goodness, waiting is never easy! But thank God He is working in me everyday. And that during these nine months, He is working on that baby too! Making that little baby strong, beautiful, and healthy! :)
This reminds me of a song my sister and I sang in church play once...a song I need to remember during my impatient moments.....
In His time, in His time He makes all things beautiful, in His time Lord, please show me everyday As You're teaching me Your way That You do just what You say, in Your time.
4 years ago Jeremy and I were married across this bay at the Downtown San Diego Courthouse the day after Christmas. Why the day after Christmas? Well like most relationships that take place while one of the parties is serving their country in the military, much of our relationship was strongly influenced by the Army and its time-lines.
Well starting to write about this has me feeling nostalgic and now I have the sudden urge to tell the whole story how Jeremy and Abby became "Us". I will warn you now, this is quite long and maybe you might find it boring....So if you would like to read feel free to and if not, enjoy the pictures. And if you still don't feel like doing that, well at least scroll down to the bottom and act like you looked it over at least :)
I think this is the first picture we ever took together
Jeremy and I met around the ages of 13-15. We actually cannot agree how old we were because he is sure we met at his aunt's house in the summer when I am sure we met at a football game later that fall. Because our birthdays are summer ones and we are 2 years apart for a month, its hard to say how old we were really. Anyways, it was the year 2000 when we met and to be completely honest, I don't think we really thought too much about each other. I am sure I thought he was cute and at one point he admitted he thought the same about me. But well to be completely honest, we were both in that boy/girl crazy phase and brief meetings like those are quickly forgotten by the next encounter with the opposite sex.
With me having just left transferred out of the school Jeremy was transferring into, we never really saw too much of each other after that except for the occasional family function (Jeremy's family) that he would sometimes grace with his presence. I actually attended more events than he did being that my sister was dating his cousin and I got the great opportunity to follow them on a lot of their dates. To this day I am still thankful to my parents for their gift of allowing me to unknowingly get to run into my future husband every now and then.
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Well even though Jeremy and I shared some brief awkward moments over the years, we had our own lives going. He had a couple of relationships over the years and me, well , uh I didn't (much to my dismay). And never did we imagine on my sister's wedding day in December of 2003 as he took the bridal party's pictures, that almost exactly 3 years later we would be in front of the camera getting our wedding picture taken.
Well fast forward to September of 2004. Summer had been a difficult time for our family. We had lost my beautiful abuelita very unexpectedly and were watching my abuelito fade away from illness and what I truly believe, a broken heart. I think the greatest that they taught me was that it is possible to be in love after 50 years. In addition to losing my grandparents, I was also unhappily attending community college given that I had not been able to get any of my classes at SDSU. I was also trying to handle my first puppy and that was stressing me like crazy. And with my sister married, and no longer sharing a room with me, I was having a harder time than normal.
Jeremy on our 4 year Anniversary Dinner Cruise
Enter Jeremy. His aunt had arranged for him to get a job at the preschool I was working at and since Jeremy did not have a car at the time, I was volunteered to give him a ride to work. And though we both knew about each other, we were both very weirded out by this idea. Nevertheless we went along with it and on that first day we both strangely shared way too much about ourselves and felt completely comfortable doing so. On my part, I felt I had known this guy forever and I was so thankful for his company, how he listened and gave me ridiculous but wise advice, such as, "just be happy." Still, Jeremy and I remained only friends. In fact, Jeremy at the time was involved with his girlfriend and I could see that he very much cared for her (cringe) and I respected that and made sure to set my mind on other things. And in early 2005, I believe because I was good, I eventually got my wish and they ended up breaking up on their own (woohoo), though by then I had learned to control my feelings pretty well and developing a relationship with Jeremy was the last thing I wanted to do.
Me on our Dinner Cruise
Jeremy and I continued our friendship because Jeremy and I still worked together but the rides had ended due to his purchase of a Corvette. Because this car ended up being a lemon, we occasionally still shared an occasional ride. Then in May of 2005, Jeremy and my friendship grew to a completely other level when we both realized we were both complete nerds and fans of Star Wars and both planned on standing in line for hours to see the 3rd and final installment of the trilogy, opening night. I think it was that night that we both admitted to ourselves that we had a crush on each other but as things work out later that night, during the crazy stampede upon the opening of the movie theater doors, Jeremy let go of my hand (he still says I let go of his) and ending up in different theaters with our respective friends, we both came to the conclusion that the crush wasn't mutual. And so we continued as friends secretly liking each other, denying it to the rest of world and trying to get the idea out of our heads.
For the next several months we hung out a lot and did a lot of datey things such as go out to eat and go to the movies. Due to his lemon corvette, we saw a lot of each other on our morning rides to work. And at work, we were somehow always watching the same group on the playground, so why not stand together? (I promise, when it came down to it, the kids were always first) Yet please, no one dared ever tell us that we liked each other, because we would instantly deny it and list reasons as to why we were completely wrong for each other.
On March 31, 2006 on a non-date to the movies we were laughing and making light of the fact that everyone thought we were in like with each other. We both went out of our way to make sure the other knew that was the farthest thing from the truth. Then the movie began. By the end of the movie, we were holding hands and thus began the beginning of "us"
Without getting into all the nitty gritty here, things didn't quite go as well as we had hoped for our relationship and in May Jeremy decided to pursue something else. The Army. And though we both cared very much for each other, we knew it was the best thing for him and he walked out of my life, which he later shared with me, he hoped would be forever.
Basic Training in Kentucky
It was then I realized I was in love with him and though things were not as they should have been, I was determined to share my life with him and I began to write to him while he was in basic training. After what it seemed like was forever, he began responding to my letters. Weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and in October upon his return from training he went out looking for my engagement ring. Having grown up in basic training as well as learning how short life could be, he didn't want to waste time. By November we were engaged planning a marriage in May of 2007 because that was when I would be finished with school no longer tied down to any commitments. I also wanted to be married before he deployed to Iraq which was not question of if but of when.
Later that month when Jeremy moved to Texas and I stayed behind in California I received a phone call from his Sergeant who had somehow convinced Jeremy it would be in our best interest if we married in December during his Christmas leave so that paperwork would be completed in the unfortunate event that his deployment be moved up. And somehow this same man convinced me as well. (Maybe if I knew what a Sargeant was back then, I wouldn't have been so intimidated :)
Courthouse we were married at. View from Cruise
So as crazy as everything was, on December 26th, the soonest day the courthouse was open after Jeremy's arrival, we stepped into that courthouse and tied the knot and I became Mrs. Jeremy Gonzales. The very next day Jeremy stepped back onto the plane and began our first taste of marriage in the military. It would still be months before we had a ceremony with all the stuff that goes with it, and before we actually got to see how actual marriages work when you are living together. It would still be almost 2 years 'til our quirks and real attitudes came out since he deployed for 15 months only 5 months after moving in together. And though things have been crazy and difficult having to readjust all the time, I couldn't be happier to have been a fool who rushed in and thankfully he feels the same way.
Wedding Day 2006. Same dress I wore to our dinner. But I will not show you that picture.
He is still one of the easiest people to talk to, he is still my pillar when things get bad. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. Its been four years and though its no fifty, twenty, or even ten years, we are so very proud to have made this far still together and still in love. Many of those military couples we know who got married around the same have sadly not been able to handle the separations and changes. I am so thankful we have made it through and for all the support we have had from both family and friends. I am so thankful to God for working in our marriage. I know we couldn't have done this without His blessings.
And after blessing us with four years together, God in His amazing and glorious love has once again added another blessing into my life, into OUR lives...........
Meet baby Gonzales, coming to you Summer 2010! Praise God! We couldn't be happier!
Baby Gonzales 11 weeks. Heart beating strong, wiggling like a worm :)
I feel horrible admitting to you that when I first found out about you, the first thought that came to mind was not a thought of happiness. You see, mommy was actually hoping she was not pregnant for once. And of course, out of all the times she took this little stick test, this time, it came out positive.
Let me explain, little one. The last thing I would want would be for you to think that I didn't want you. You see, mommy had been pretty sick and so it was, the doctors had once again prescribed a new antibiotic (Third one in those 2 weeks). So being the paranoid girl that I am, decided to take it into my own hands to see whether it was safe to take a new drug. I wasn't expecting to see what I saw in that little digital monitor. And that is the reason my heart sank when I find out about you. The first thoughts that came to my mind were that I had hurt you. My first actions as a mother, and I had hurt you.
But as I stood there looking at that stick, tears rolling down my cheeks, I couldn't help but think...a mother...I am going to be a mother! God had heard my cry and had sent me my baby. And if He sent you, He was going to make sure you were ok right? God would make sure the old medicines had not hurt you. I began to pray. “Oh Lord, please, please, please let my baby be ok” And as I opened my eyes and saw that stick again, this time I couldn't help but smile. Who knew such a high tech germy little stick could be so beautiful. That little monitor reading "Pregnant” ...what a beautiful phrase!
I found out about you on Thursday morning on March 4 at around 6:00 am. Daddy was on 24-hour staff duty and as luck would have it, of course he would forget his phone that day. You were my little secret that day and a great little secret you were. I think I was beaming that whole day. I remember holding the little babies at work and thinking how awesome it would be to hold sweet little you in nine months.
Friday morning after telling your daddy the news, I went to get you confirmed at the doctor's lab office. You see, being that mommy and daddy had been doing all this infertility work-up, you were big GREAT news. The doctors and nurses wanted to confirm you right away. Daddy and I were nervous. I had taken two First Response tests and they had been so light, we were almost sure this was a false positive. When you hope so much for something, it almost seems unreal when it finally does happen. We talked and we convinced each other it was a fluke. Didn’t want to get our hopes up. Imagine my surprise when I got the phone call saying you real. My little one! You really were indeed real!
I don't ever think I have seen Daddy so happy. That was the best moment ever baby. Telling Daddy that indeed he was finally a Daddy. Our family was complete and we were all there sitting on that bed. Me, Daddy, You, Baloo and Mashy. One big happy family.
We agreed not to tell anyone about you right away. The nurse had told me my HCG numbers needed to double for them to consider you viable but not to worry because it seemed like we had just caught you super early is all. I convinced your daddy to wait until we heard your heartbeat. But your daddy! Oh my goodness how he loves you! I think he kept the secret for about half an hour. I came out of the bathroom and there he was on the phone just bragging about you. After that he just convinced me you were too great a miracle to keep you a secret.
So we began telling. And the more we told, the more excited we got. The more real you became. The more plans we made for you. The more we couldn't stop talking about you. The more I couldn't wait to meet you. The more I loved you.
That was the best weekend of my life little one. And how great it was that we got to go to San Diego together. We had the best time visiting your grandmas, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins. I was so happy you were there with me and got to be with everyone. I beamed with pride every second.
But just as sudden as you entered our lives, you left as well.
Tuesday at around 12 noon, as we nervously awaited the results from my blood test that morning I got the worse phone call ever. "I am so sorry" she said. "Your counts dropped." "Your baby is gone.” I have no idea what else she said. I looked at your daddy. His smile faded. And there he held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. Poor Baloo and Mashy, I think they knew. They ran to us. We all just stood there against each other, hurting.
I miss you baby. My heart breaks when I think about you. How could you love someone so much you never even met?
I have heard so many things, read so many things. Words meant to comfort. Words meant to heal. "You will have another" "You need to move forward" "At least it was early in the pregnancy and you didn't get attached"
These words sting baby. For you were not just a "chemicals". You were a living baby. Tiny as you were. Unformed as you were....God had given you a soul and in your tiny little unshaped body, you carried everything that was going to make you-YOU. What your fingers and toes were going to look like, whether you were going to saved from having a long nose like your mommy and daddy's, your hair-color, your personality, your eyes, and whether you were going to be our little boy or our little princess. Gosh...how I wish I could have met you....
It has been one month since I found out about you. And just the same, almost one month since we found out you went to be with our Lord.
I will admit baby it has been so hard. Your mommy has not been strong. How come you were taken from me? I am so ashamed to admit that I have questioned God. I’ve tried so hard not to be angry but it’s not been easy. Please baby, don't think bad of your mommy. Its just that it hurts so much. To not have been able to hold you. Touch you. Smell you. Kiss you.
It’s so strange little one. Even now as I write this I am convicted. I am reminded of the conversation we had as I drove back from the lab that Tuesday. Something just didn’t feel right. Mother’s intuition? Who knows? I was so scared. The cramping I had been feeling had gone away. (I later found out it was the actual cramping that I should have been worried about—gosh how stupid I am to have thought that the cramping was a good sign, I am so sorry baby.)
I just felt that you were leaving me. And having promised the Lord that the children He gave me were going to be raised up to know Him, I began telling you your first lesson. How life isn’t fair but we should never blame God. How God loves you despite the bad that may occur in your life. That our joy is not based on circumstance but on His promises and love. How if you wanted to have peace in your life, you were going to have to learn to thank God in every situation. I admitted to you even I didn’t understand how to do this at times, but it was something I was striving to do. And as I told you about this, one of my favorite hymns began to play from my Zune. It is well with my soul. And strange as it may sound, I think deep down I knew what was going to happen. And I remember telling you that even if you had to leave me, I wanted you to be happy and know everything was going to be ok. And so there we were and though it may be crazy, though in reality you probably had left already… I would like to believe that you to sang these words with me:
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And so here I am baby, sitting here without you, without your daddy. I have just looked up this song to get the lyrics just right and have found out that the man who wrote this song, Horatio Spafford, wrote this song as his ship passed the area where his 4 daughters had so shortly ago lost their lives in a tragic accident. This man’s faith did not dwindle. And somehow I know, neither will mine. I am not alone, my Lord is here. My source of strength. My comfort. I will be honest, it still hurts and I don’t quite know how to move forward, but I thank you for this reminder baby. For reminding me what I needed to know. That my Lord is here for me. I will push forward baby. I will be okay.
Writing this has not been easy, little one, and I am sorry that it might not make sense. I wasn’t sure whether even to write this, but I chose to because I want you to know I love you and I am proud to have carried you, short as it was. And my baby, with a heavy heart, I am saying, not goodbye, but see you soon. The time has come for me to move forward. I know I can no longer dwell on this tragic event or all the feelings that come with it. I can no longer blame myself for taking the medications. I can no longer read everything I can about miscarriages trying desperately to understand what happened. I can no longer feel sorry for myself. It is time to heal.
But please know my dear sweet baby mine, I love you. And I promise I will never forget you. And I know with certainty that neither will your daddy. You will always be our first baby. You will always be part of this family. You will always be the one that brought our marriage stronger together. You made us the happiest couple in the world when we found out about you, you brought hope back into our lives. I promise though I am moving forward you will always be my baby.
“I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.”
I went to my infertility appointment alone. Jeremy had no control over it though. I scheduled the appointment to get my results knowing very well that he would still be in San Diego. I know he would have been there, had he been here. He has done everything he can to be at all my other appointments, even if it means walking in a little late. That was one awkward appointment. Getting ready to undergo an uncomfortable procedure and have someone knock on the door. Having the medical staff look at each other confused and then the nurse have to ask me to confirm if that indeed was my husband like he said he was. Not so fun.
Anyways, for some reason or another I scheduled my appointment while Jeremy was gone.I really don't know why I did it like that. Maybe because I did not want to wait another week to find out what was going on. Maybe because I didn't know how I would react to the results. Maybe because I didn't know how I could face Jeremy if indeed we found out that it was my fault we couldn't get pregnant. Maybe all of this.
So there I was Friday morning, realizing what a dumb idea it had been to go alone. The nice thing about it though was that I realized I wasn't alone. So right before I left, I got on my knees and asked God to prepare me for whatever was coming whether good or bad. And "Please Lord", I asked, "don't allow me to be angry if it is bad news."
I waited 30 minutes to get called into the room and a little over 20 minutes to get seen by the doctor. I think that was one of the hardest wait times in my life. It was also hard because the clinic is on the same floor as the labor and delivery floor. Its not fun to be sitting there nervous as ever and watching pregnant ladies walk by wondering if you will ever be in their shoes.
I was so relieved when they finally called me into one of the rooms, only to be faced with a bulletin board full of babies. It drove me crazy. So after about 15 minutes, when I felt I couldn't handle my feelings anymore, I prayed again to the Lord to give me peace and comfort. When I opened my eyes, they were drawn to the wall and it was then I noticed a little plaque that had two hands folded and the line "for this child I prayed" And so I walked over to the board and it was then when I realized that there in front of me was a board full of little miracles. Miracles someone had prayed for. Of course I do believe all babies are miracles and gifts from God but these babies, these babies....were medical miracles. These babies overcame great medical hurdles just to get here. Little stories next to the photos revealed the struggles their parents had faced to get to have them. Some revealing that their parents had waited years and undergone many procedures to meet them. Others showing the twins, triplets and even quadruplets that came from those procedures. And still others showing pictures of the beautiful children that had been adopted to parents who loved them so much. All I could think was how amazing our God is and at that moment I felt joy and peace.
And that is when the doctor walked in. To make a long story short.....Everything seems to look just FINE!!!! There are still some other things to look at but we have made it over the first hurdle. I guess Baby Meza-Gonzales just loves God so much he/she is not ready to come down just yet. I know the wait may still be long and I know something still may come up. And I know the wait will be anything but easy.But looking at that board....it made me realize that our baby, no matter how he/she gets here will be a little miracle, a gift from God and it just brings me so much happiness.
