It is Well With my Soul

I feel horrible admitting to you that when I first found out about you, the first thought that came to mind was not a thought of happiness. You see, mommy was actually hoping she was not pregnant for once. And of course, out of all the times she took this little stick test, this time, it came out positive.

Let me explain, little one. The last thing I would want would be for you to think that I didn't want you. You see, mommy had been pretty sick and so it was, the doctors had once again prescribed a new antibiotic (Third one in those 2 weeks). So being the paranoid girl that I am, decided to take it into my own hands to see whether it was safe to take a new drug. I wasn't expecting to see what I saw in that little digital monitor. And that is the reason my heart sank when I find out about you. The first thoughts that came to my mind were that I had hurt you. My first actions as a mother, and I had hurt you.

But as I stood there looking at that stick, tears rolling down my cheeks, I couldn't help but think...a mother...I am going to be a mother! God had heard my cry and had sent me my baby. And if He sent you, He was going to make sure you were ok right? God would make sure the old medicines had not hurt you. I began to pray. “Oh Lord, please, please, please let my baby be ok” And as I opened my eyes and saw that stick again, this time I couldn't help but smile. Who knew such a high tech germy little stick could be so beautiful. That little monitor reading "Pregnant” ...what a beautiful phrase!

I found out about you on Thursday morning on March 4 at around 6:00 am.  Daddy was on 24-hour staff duty and as luck would have it, of course he would forget his phone that day. You were my little secret that day and a great little secret you were. I think I was beaming that whole day. I remember holding the little babies at work and thinking how awesome it would be to hold sweet little you in nine months.

Friday morning after telling your daddy the news, I went to get you confirmed at the doctor's lab office. You see, being that mommy and daddy had been doing all this infertility work-up, you were big GREAT news. The doctors and nurses wanted to confirm you right away. Daddy and I were nervous. I had taken two First Response tests and they had been so light, we were almost sure this was a false positive. When you hope so much for something, it almost seems unreal when it finally does happen. We talked and we convinced each other it was a fluke. Didn’t want to get our hopes up. Imagine my surprise when I got the phone call saying you real. My little one! You really were indeed real!

I don't ever think I have seen Daddy so happy. That was the best moment ever baby. Telling Daddy that indeed he was finally a Daddy. Our family was complete and we were all there sitting on that bed. Me, Daddy, You, Baloo and Mashy. One big happy family.

We agreed not to tell anyone about you right away. The nurse had told me my HCG numbers needed to double for them to consider you viable but not to worry because it seemed like we had just caught you super early is all. I convinced your daddy to wait until we heard your heartbeat. But your daddy! Oh my goodness how he loves you! I think he kept the secret for about half an hour. I came out of the bathroom and there he was on the phone just bragging about you. After that he just convinced me you were too great a miracle to keep you a secret.

So we began telling. And the more we told, the more excited we got. The more real you became. The more plans we made for you. The more we couldn't stop talking about you. The more I couldn't wait to meet you. The more I loved you.

That was the best weekend of my life little one. And how great it was that we got to go to San Diego together. We had the best time visiting your grandmas, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins. I was so happy you were there with me and got to be with everyone. I beamed with pride every second.

But just as sudden as you entered our lives, you left as well.

Tuesday at around 12 noon, as we nervously awaited the results from my blood test that morning I got the worse phone call ever. "I am so sorry" she said. "Your counts dropped." "Your baby is gone.” I have no idea what else she said. I looked at your daddy. His smile faded. And there he held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. Poor Baloo and Mashy, I think they knew. They ran to us. We all just stood there against each other, hurting.

I miss you baby. My heart breaks when I think about you. How could you love someone so much you never even met?

I have heard so many things, read so many things. Words meant to comfort. Words meant to heal. "You will have another" "You need to move forward" "At least it was early in the pregnancy and you didn't get attached"

These words sting baby. For you were not just a "chemicals". You were a living baby. Tiny as you were. Unformed as you were....God had given you a soul and in your tiny little unshaped body, you carried everything that was going to make you-YOU. What your fingers and toes were going to look like, whether you were going to saved from having a long nose like your mommy and daddy's, your hair-color, your personality, your eyes, and whether you were going to be our little boy or our little princess. Gosh...how I wish I could have met you....

It has been one month since I found out about you. And just the same, almost one month since we found out you went to be with our Lord.

I will admit baby it has been so hard. Your mommy has not been strong. How come you were taken from me? I am so ashamed to admit that I have questioned God. I’ve tried so hard not to be angry but it’s not been easy.  Please baby, don't think bad of your mommy. Its just that it hurts so much. To not have been able to hold you. Touch you. Smell you. Kiss you.

It’s so strange little one. Even now as I write this I am convicted. I am reminded of the conversation we had as I drove back from the lab that Tuesday. Something just didn’t feel right. Mother’s intuition? Who knows? I was so scared. The cramping I had been feeling had gone away. (I later found out it was the actual cramping that I should have been worried about—gosh how stupid I am to have thought that the cramping was a good sign, I am so sorry baby.)

I just felt that you were leaving me. And having promised the Lord that the children He gave me were going to be raised up to know Him, I began telling you your first lesson. How life isn’t fair but we should never blame God. How God loves you despite the bad that may occur in your life. That our joy is not based on circumstance but on His promises and love. How if you wanted to have peace in your life, you were going to have to learn to thank God in every situation. I admitted to you even I didn’t understand how to do this at times, but it was something I was striving to do. And as I told you about this, one of my favorite hymns began to play from my Zune. It is well with my soul. And strange as it may sound, I think deep down I knew what was going to happen. And I remember telling you that even if you had to leave me, I wanted you to be happy and know everything was going to be ok. And so there we were and though it may be crazy, though in reality you probably had left already… I would like to believe that you to sang these words with me:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And so here I am baby, sitting here without you, without your daddy. I have just looked up this song to get the lyrics just right and have found out that the man who wrote this song, Horatio Spafford, wrote this song as his ship passed the area where his 4 daughters had so shortly ago lost their lives in a tragic accident. This man’s faith did not dwindle. And somehow I know, neither will mine. I am not alone, my Lord is here. My source of strength. My comfort. I will be honest, it still hurts and I don’t quite know how to move forward, but I thank you for this reminder baby. For reminding me what I needed to know. That my Lord is here for me. I will push forward baby. I will be okay.

Writing this has not been easy, little one, and I am sorry that it might not make sense. I wasn’t sure whether even to write this, but I chose to because I want you to know I love you and I am proud to have carried you, short as it was. And my baby, with a heavy heart, I am saying, not goodbye, but see you soon. The time has come for me to move forward. I know I can no longer dwell on this tragic event or all the feelings that come with it. I can no longer blame myself for taking the medications. I can no longer read everything I can about miscarriages trying desperately to understand what happened. I can no longer feel sorry for myself. It is time to heal.

But please know my dear sweet baby mine, I love you. And I promise I will never forget you. And I know with certainty that neither will your daddy. You will always be our first baby. You will always be part of this family. You will always be the one that brought our marriage stronger together. You made us the happiest couple in the world when we found out about you, you brought hope back into our lives. I promise though I am moving forward you will always be my baby.

“I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.”

-Mommy-