Little Miracle

I went to my infertility appointment alone. Jeremy had no control over it though. I scheduled the appointment to get my results knowing very well that he would still be in San Diego. I know he would have been there, had he been here. He has done everything he can to be at all my other appointments, even if it means walking in a little late. That was one awkward appointment. Getting ready to undergo an uncomfortable procedure and have someone knock on the door. Having the medical staff look at each other confused and then the nurse have to ask me to confirm if that indeed was my husband like he said he was. Not so fun.

Anyways, for some reason or another I scheduled my appointment while Jeremy was gone.I really don't know why I did it like that. Maybe because I did not want to wait another week to find out what was going on. Maybe because I didn't know how I would react to the results. Maybe because I didn't know how I could face Jeremy if indeed we found out that it was my fault we couldn't get pregnant. Maybe all of this.

So there I was Friday morning, realizing what a dumb idea it had been to go alone. The nice thing about it  though was that I realized I wasn't alone. So right before I left, I got on my knees and asked God to prepare me for whatever was coming whether good or bad. And "Please Lord", I asked, "don't allow me to be angry if it is bad news."

I waited 30 minutes to get called into the room and a little over 20 minutes to get seen by  the doctor. I think that was one of the hardest wait times in my life. It was also hard because the clinic is on the same floor as the labor and delivery floor. Its not fun to be sitting there nervous as ever and watching pregnant ladies walk by wondering if you will ever be in their shoes.

I was so relieved when they finally called me into one of the rooms, only to be faced with a bulletin board full of babies. It drove me crazy. So after about 15 minutes, when I felt I couldn't handle my feelings anymore, I prayed again to the Lord to give me peace and comfort. When I opened my eyes, they were drawn to the wall and it was then I noticed a little plaque that had two hands folded and the line "for this child I prayed" And so I walked  over to the board and it was then when I realized that there in front of me was a board full of little miracles. Miracles someone had prayed for. Of course I do believe all babies are miracles and gifts from God but these babies, these babies....were medical miracles. These babies overcame great medical hurdles just to get here. Little stories next to the photos revealed the struggles their parents had faced to get to have them. Some revealing that their parents had waited years and undergone many procedures to meet them. Others showing the twins, triplets and even quadruplets that came from those procedures. And still others showing pictures of the beautiful children that had been adopted to parents who loved  them so much. All I could think was how amazing our God is and at that moment I felt joy and peace.

And that is when the doctor walked in. To make a long story short.....Everything seems to look just FINE!!!! There are still some other things to look at but we have made it over the first hurdle. I guess Baby Meza-Gonzales just loves God so much he/she is  not ready to come down just yet. I know the wait may still be long and I know something still may come up. And I know the wait will be anything but easy.But looking at that board....it made me realize that our baby, no matter how he/she gets here will be a little miracle, a gift from God and it just brings me so much happiness.

...A New Car!!!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to me! My awesome husband bought me a new car! Well a "new" car to me at least :) What a sweetie right? Now I don't have to take the bus anymore, get rained on, sleep in the truck as I wait for Jeremy to finish PT, etc......So awesome!

Dear Baby

******DISCLAIMER *******

I am not pregnant

Its me your mommy, Abby.... but, then again, I bet you won't even realize I have another name other than "mommy" for quite awhile. Honestly baby, you can call me whatever you want, I just want to meet you already. You have no idea how much I miss you, how much I love you already.

I have been dreaming about you for years now.  I loved playing this game your Tia and I made up called "Mommy Mommy" , which is pretty much a fancy name for "House." How fun it was practicing my mothering skills on my cabbage patch kids, like changing a diaper and feeding them bottles. I couldn't wait until I was all grown up and married so that I could do this for reals. Then with your grandma having a daycare at the house, I even got to sometimes practice these skills on real babies. It was awesome. Gosh how I loved each and every one of those kids! Ricky, Eddie, Javi, Emily, Chantal, Michaela, Josiah, Mekhi just to name a few. I hated when they went home, I loved them so much. Then along came my nephew, little Gabriel. I love that boy so much. And even though I have not developed a relationship with him like I want to, I don't think I have ever loved a baby that much. Wow! I cannot imagine how much love I will have for you, MY baby. A little person that is half me and half your daddy. A baby God let us make. I am overwhelmed with the idea that my love for you will only grow when I actually meet you. Goodness, I just can't wait my baby.

But little baby I am writing you this letter now because I am so afraid that day will never come. You see baby, mommy and daddy have been trying to meet you for quite awhile with no results. And every month when we get the news that you aren't coming, my heart breaks in a million pieces. I can't help but wonder, will I ever get to meet you? So many horrible thoughts in my mind baby. Thoughts I hate to have. Thoughts I know are not from God. But my sweet baby, it is so hard not being able to see you. To see mommies in the store with the pregnant bellies and touch my own realizing there is nothing in there but maybe too much fast food that needs to be burned off. To see mommies who don't really want to take care of their babies and have to bite my lip to stop myself from wanting to talk some sense into them about how blessed they are to have a baby. Little baby, please don't think bad of your mommy, it's just that I am human and I don't understand why you are not with me.

And, my little baby, this Friday is one of the scariest days of my life. I am going to the doctor to get some results. Results that might explain what is going on. The tests to get these results have been not been fun at all. Very emotional, uncomfortable, and painful. But my love, you are worth it. So worth it. It is my hope that one day you know just how much we loved you, that me and daddy would go through anything for you.

The results may show something or nothing at all. From my understanding some people get awesome results and still go on waiting quite sometime. And on the opposite end some get horrible news and go on to have a baby soon after. I just dont understand baby. All I do know is that God has the last say in everything. Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth could not conceive and guess what my love? That's right, they all had babies. So baby if I get bad news I am not going to give up getting the chance to meet you, though I am not sure I will handle it. I just know that no matter what baby, God has a purpose. I just wonder what that purpose is and why it isnt easier to handle.

It's just hard to deal with baby. What if.......what if I don't....what if I don't get to meet you, my baby?

**********************************************************************************
I know this is a little personal to put up here but well those of you were invited to read my blogs,...well you are very special to me. I am not sure how many actually read but if you read this please pray for me. I need your prayers so much....


****I love and miss you****

On being Alone

Wow, I have been an army wife for 3 years now and amazingly I have never had to be all by myself for than a few days. And the weirdest thing is that Jeremy has been gone. A lot. Out to the field. NTC training. Different Schools. A 15 month deployment. 24 hour shifts at work. Yep, A lot! Out of our almost 4 year relationship, I would say that we have actually been geographically together for about only 20 months. But wow, God has been so good to me in that I have always been able stay with family during the times that he was away.
However the time finally came for me to be all alone. Funny thing though is that it had nothing to do with work. Vacation took him away from me! For 2 weeks (well 2 days shy of 2 weeks) It has not been fun. Well parts of it have been fun. Like not having to cook for two or clean for two. I also get to watch whatever I want. It has been a chick-flick marathon over here. Oh! And getting to have a vehicle again to get to work......that has been by far the best thing ever! But well I will admit not as much fun as having my husband around. I really miss him. I am happy he got the opportunity to have some good times with his family but I want him back now. I am truly not complete without him.
Anyways, to keep my mind busy and not get too sad, I have made a mess in the house rearranging everything. It has not been as easy as I would have hoped. Now I know why God got Adam and Eve together because I definitely could have used my strong man in this project. A bed is not so easy to lift. Neither is a 16 inch old box tv. Well thank God beds can be broken down to pieces. And I am so happy the dogs fell for my trick in locking them in the closet, because I could only hold that tv for about a minute and didnt need one of them crashing into me (Baloo). Oh and if you are going to buy a dining room table set, yeah, a husband is pretty good thing to have around for that. Thanks to cousin Justin for the help there ;) But alas, I am almost done with my extreme home makeover. Just got to put 2 more chairs together and hang up some stuff. Shhh! Dont tell Jeremy, It's a surprise! Can't wait to have him home again!


Mashy and Baloo decided to help by getting rid of the cardboard the table was in. Such good little helpers!

Miss Tater Tot

Hip Hip Hooray! Miss Mashy will not have to undergo surgery after all! We are so so happy for her. Doctor called me on Wednesday night and told me they think her bone will adjust properly as she heals. This is such good news for me. She will continue to wear the splint for 4-6 weeks and must take it easy. This is not so easy for Mashy. She is so crazy. If she were human I am sure when she grew up she would try to join the X games or something because she is such the daredevil. Jumping and Running and Bouncing all the time, even with the splint. She has even escaped me a couple of times and run down the stairs, her little pink leg hitting each step on the way down. I actually had to ask the doctor for sedatives just to keep her calm. Poor baby! I feel like one of those moms who has to give her child pills for the ADHD. I now understand why it is so hard for them to give them these pills. Well at least I will not have to put her through surgery. Always look at the bright side Abby.