******DISCLAIMER *******
I am not pregnant
I have been dreaming about you for years now. I loved playing this game your Tia and I made up called "Mommy Mommy" , which is pretty much a fancy name for "House." How fun it was practicing my mothering skills on my cabbage patch kids, like changing a diaper and feeding them bottles. I couldn't wait until I was all grown up and married so that I could do this for reals. Then with your grandma having a daycare at the house, I even got to sometimes practice these skills on real babies. It was awesome. Gosh how I loved each and every one of those kids! Ricky, Eddie, Javi, Emily, Chantal, Michaela, Josiah, Mekhi just to name a few. I hated when they went home, I loved them so much. Then along came my nephew, little Gabriel. I love that boy so much. And even though I have not developed a relationship with him like I want to, I don't think I have ever loved a baby that much. Wow! I cannot imagine how much love I will have for you, MY baby. A little person that is half me and half your daddy. A baby God let us make. I am overwhelmed with the idea that my love for you will only grow when I actually meet you. Goodness, I just can't wait my baby.
But little baby I am writing you this letter now because I am so afraid that day will never come. You see baby, mommy and daddy have been trying to meet you for quite awhile with no results. And every month when we get the news that you aren't coming, my heart breaks in a million pieces. I can't help but wonder, will I ever get to meet you? So many horrible thoughts in my mind baby. Thoughts I hate to have. Thoughts I know are not from God. But my sweet baby, it is so hard not being able to see you. To see mommies in the store with the pregnant bellies and touch my own realizing there is nothing in there but maybe too much fast food that needs to be burned off. To see mommies who don't really want to take care of their babies and have to bite my lip to stop myself from wanting to talk some sense into them about how blessed they are to have a baby. Little baby, please don't think bad of your mommy, it's just that I am human and I don't understand why you are not with me.
And, my little baby, this Friday is one of the scariest days of my life. I am going to the doctor to get some results. Results that might explain what is going on. The tests to get these results have been not been fun at all. Very emotional, uncomfortable, and painful. But my love, you are worth it. So worth it. It is my hope that one day you know just how much we loved you, that me and daddy would go through anything for you.
The results may show something or nothing at all. From my understanding some people get awesome results and still go on waiting quite sometime. And on the opposite end some get horrible news and go on to have a baby soon after. I just dont understand baby. All I do know is that God has the last say in everything. Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth could not conceive and guess what my love? That's right, they all had babies. So baby if I get bad news I am not going to give up getting the chance to meet you, though I am not sure I will handle it. I just know that no matter what baby, God has a purpose. I just wonder what that purpose is and why it isnt easier to handle.
It's just hard to deal with baby. What if.......what if I don't....what if I don't get to meet you, my baby?
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I know this is a little personal to put up here but well those of you were invited to read my blogs,...well you are very special to me. I am not sure how many actually read but if you read this please pray for me. I need your prayers so much....
****I love and miss you****
1 comment:
Oh Abby! You, Jeremy, and your precious future baby will be in my prayers! You were meant to be a Mommy and I am confident you will be ... in God's time. It is so tough to be patient! I hope the results you get will be good and I know you will be a Mommy one way or another! :) Love you, Abby!
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